


Talk Nutts

by HannaVictoria



Series: Vampires of Berk [1]
Category: Dragons: Riders of Berk (Cartoon), How to Train Your Dragon (Movies), Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Gen, Human Toothless, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 07:11:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6185443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannaVictoria/pseuds/HannaVictoria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hiccup is a perfectly ordinary modern American teenager except for the part where he teamed up with a vampire hunter, the dreaded Night Fury. Because vampires are a thing he'd know that for a year already... there was an incident. But when the time came he looked into Jack's eyes and... he couldn't do it. So what now? What does he tell Toothless? Good thing he's a Hiccup, thinking out of the box is kind of his thing. Also the Thorston twins are attacking him and their vampires... good luck with that Hic!</p>
<p>Based off of a fan-comic by: http://shadowpiratemonkey7.deviantart.com/</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talk Nutts

**Author's Note:**

> First things first this lovely story was inspired by the comic "vampire hunter" by: http://shadowpiratemonkey7.deviantart.com/ This lady is entirely responsible for me seeing: How to Train your Dragon (all of them), Rise of the Guardians, Brave, Frozen, Gravity Falls, & Five Nights at Freddie's. The last is especially impressive as I hate horror. "Monsters" don't count.
> 
> Anyhow, this. Most stuff especially vampire stuff seems to be like 'oh they're so tortured/lovable' and it's like it doesn't matter if they kill a whole bunch of people so long as they feel really bad or the other end where it's stake'm and bake'm as you please because once it 'not human' by all means rip it's fucking spine out in a kids movie. Batman kills vampires! Batman! Don't get me wrong I love vampires and also Batman, but let's have some fun with objectivity folks. 
> 
> My sincere attempt to portray everyone in character... despite era shifts and in some cases undeath.

‘Where’s Toothless when you need him!’ Hiccup dodged another blow. He gripped the stake hidden in his jacket then let it go instead merely dodging again. He couldn’t do it, not to Jack not to anyone ‘They’re just hungry.’ He told himself. He looked around again for his partner “Night Fury ain’t gonna save you this time.” And she was right he’d have to get out of this on his own. Even if he were here he didn’t want Noah to stake them either ‘There’s a fun conversation “Hey Bud, let’s swear off all you’ve I don’t know dedicated your life to!”’

Another blow this time Tuffnut ‘How old are these two anyway? I mean who still hand makes their clothes? Does a vampire’s hair grow?’ Tuff wore his hair as loose and long as any kid at the mall so if hair froze with the rest of them that was like a century right? Or else they were just weird which was about as likely. Another dodge. They were beginning to work together, not good! Noah had said only older vampires flew ‘Argh, running out of energy. Okay Hiccup just pretend your loosing a game of tag with Snotty and Dag.’ lucky Jack wasn’t here to play Astrid and call him on his bull. 

“So how old are you guys?” both ‘teens’ stopped mid-air. They looked at him like they weren’t sure if he was serious and frankly Hiccup couldn’t blame them. They continued to float, pondering the question while Hiccup wheezed on the ground. “About… three hundred?” Tuff looked to his sister for  
confirmation, but all she did was give a shrug. Ruffnut echoed it and it was clear they decided it was close enough. “Why are you guys ‘repelled’ by crosses but say Jack isn’t?” the twins jumped “Be/Cause crosses/they are scary/horrible!” they shouted more or less in sync. “How come you guys never wear shoes?” the twins answered as if they found it no less silly than his other questions “We do sometimes!/Mostly cause Jack never does?” 

He was about to ask how they met Jack when suddenly “You’re the distraction again aren’t you! This is another trick!” Tuffnut shouted flailing around looking for the elusive Night Fury “Nope. I doubt Noah will just show up a second time so I’m falling back on my ‘try and talk my way out’ plan. You’ll probably eat me if my track record with bullies is any indication.” True to form they were starting to look like a lot of those bullies had. Hiccup’s behavior was confusing the Twins more than normal and they didn’t really like it. “Are you making fun of us again, cause the only one who gets to mess with my sister is me!” Hiccup winced. 

_“She should… eat me by herself!” “If I’m going to die, as well be by the hands of a woman.”_ It was a good divide and conquer strategy but he understandably felt like a heel “Sorry about that, I mean really. Nothing personal, but I’m gay.” Before he could go further Tuff had already jumped to a conclusion “You’re not ‘spending eternity’ with me either buddy!” he looked like a cat who’d had his tail stepped on and Hiccup just groaned “No! No, that’s not what I meant either. Look that was a crummy thing to say, but really who wants to be eaten.” 

The twins looked confused “We don’t play for keeps kid.” Ruff backed her brother “Do you honestly think vampires would stay secret if we piled up corpses all willy-nilly. Don’t get me started on kids.” Tuffnutt shrugged “I’ve seen more than one poor idiot chased straight into the dawn by torches and pitchforks. It is not a scene you aim for.” Hiccup sputtered “Then why were you chasing me around like a bad slasher film!?” “Cause you were running?” Ruffnutt adding, “Also it’s really fun.” “That too.” 

“You know this might be vampires are having such a problem?” Hiccup wondered. The twins looked at each other “You know you’d probably say the same about you if you wore a skirt to school or something right?” Hiccup paused “Sexual and gender identity are not the same thing, but I concede your point.” It was an unfair to expect someone to behave exemplary for the sake of a group they didn’t even ask to be part of. He could still call them out on just plain being jerks regardless but he sensed they really didn’t care.

“So what’s with the twenty questions?” Hiccup laughed a bit confusing the twins all the more “I’ve always been more of a talker than a fighter is all.” More confusion “Then why become a hunter?” ‘Maybe if I try from the beginning?’ “Well see when we first met I wasn’t. I’d never even seen Noah before in my life let alone be his partner; he did ask me after though.” They didn’t buy it of course “Right cause you get that kind of teamwork from total strangers all the time!” Tuff snarked at him “I know right!” the big smile was earnest they almost made them forgive that teamwork included shoving a cross in their faces. 

“Well there is that one team…” Tuff suggested “Wait what?” Ruffnutt seamed to have as little clue as Hiccup what he was even talking about “The nurse.” He clarified and his sister at least got what he was saying now “Oh, right! Those two are all brainy so I guess you could still kill vampires just fine kid!” they were trying to be encouraging for some reason but the thought just turned Hiccup green “I don’t want to kill anything let alone anyone.”

That got their undivided attention “Did you tell the Night Fury that?” Hiccup cringed “Well no, but after what happened with Jack I know this isn’t the direction I want to go in. You two are three hundred in all that time has all this time has any of that improved things for anyone?” Both twins shrugged “Not really our problem.” Hiccup stared at them “How? How can you not care? Isn’t this as much your town too?!”

“Nah, none of our group has ever lived in Berk.” Ruff countered. Her brother just scoffed at him “Course we care… about the four of us. If the rest of the world goes on spinning, good for them. Maybe this’ll penetrate when your older but you aren’t special.” The teen snapped “Yes. Thank you. I kind have figured that out when I found my mother’s rigid **corpse**! I’m not trying to “save” you guys!” he took a deep breath “I’m not that presumptuous. I want to learn and if that helps then all the better.”

They exchanged skeptical glances “Wait did you just say corpse? Does that still happen?” Hiccup looked at them in utter disbelief “Dying? Yes, particularly when one has two happy little punctures in a major vein.” Both vampires actually looked somewhat disgusted at the idea. “Look whatever kid. If you have anything actually fun in mind we’ll talk.” Ruff seconded her brother’s motion and suggested he “Find your friend. Go have your drama. We’re hunting elsewhere. No killing, so you can chill.” With that they flew off.

He dialed, “So guess who ran into the twins?” “WHAT!?!” Noah nearly blasted his ear off “Are you hurt?! Are they still there?! How many fingers-never mind where are you?” If Toothless had a car he’d have sworn he’d broken some traffic laws getting there so quick “Your never leaving my sight after dark again, do you hear me!” he was already looking him over.

“Um, I think my Dad might have something to say about that.” The thought of an angry Councilman Haddock was intimidating, but the Night Fury didn’t stop till he was satisfied his partner was unhurt “You did good for your first time alone, don’t suppose you got either of them?”

“Oh, right why I called you here.” He took a big breath “I don’t want to hunt vampires.” Noah’s face fell “Oh.” “No, no.” he interjected before he could get even more of the wrong idea “I do not want anything to do with the sharp pointy wooden part of hunting, the rest is fine.” Toothless looked at him for second not quite sure what to say, “That’s… kind of an important part.”

He sighed gathering his thoughts “Okay Hiccup, what do you want to do. No staking, got it. Do you just want to hang out?” Hiccup thought about it “Yeah, we should definitely do that too, sounds fun. But no not what I had in mind…” he wasn’t trying to make this a guessing game he just wasn’t to sure how to describe it still and… also how his bud might react.

“So we go wandering around in the middle of the night find vampires and… give them hot chocolate?” Hiccup pondered this a moment before pulling out a notebook and started jotting ““Can vampires eat ordinary food? Can they live off it (probably not)?” Well no to answer your question I want to learn about them and more importantly if there’s a… more diplomatic way to deal with them.”

Noah put a hand on his friend’s shoulder “Hiccup, you’re a good person.” Much to Hiccup’s confusion “Thank you.” “But, vampires have to… be atleast kind of bad or you know…” Hiccup shook his head “I refuse to believe that!” he announced defiantly “This isn’t just childish idealism it genuinely doesn’t make logical sense. For a subspecies of humanity to have such a narrow diet it makes no sense. It’s absolutely absurd to apply movies and folklore where there should be science!”

Toothless looked at him “I love you Hiccup, but your crazy. You want… to apply science… to creatures that can fly… via levitation.” Hiccup pouted, “That’s _people_ who can fly by what _appears_ to be levitation, thank you very much!” at which point the Mighty Night Fury fell over laughing.

He struggled to speak without giggling, “So do you have a plan?” Hiccup folded his arms “Of course I do; Interview every vampire we come across and some voluntary noninvasive tests, you know science! I just need to get some of that lab equipment their throwing out at school… I mean I was going to anyway, but now…” it occurred to him he should probably not mention he would have used that for cryptozoology no matter what.

“Wait, are you saying… did you just willingly have a prolonged conversation with Ruffnutt and Tuffnutt?” Hiccy couldn’t figure out why he was giving him that look “Yes?” Noah pinched the bridged of his nose “Hiccup when thinking of vampires think a little more Jack Frost a little less Thorston twins. I mean yeah some are weird and/or crazy but they kind of take the cake.”

“It’s a remarkably un-homicidal cake, just saying.” Noah sighed, “I know vampires need to eat. I know not all kill. They’re still taking up to a pint and a half of blood when it’s non-lethal. That can have serious repercussions in the long run, especially if it happens a lot and in a small town like this it does. Heart problems, pregnancy complications, fatigue; it can eventually kill a person, if often indirectly.”

Hiccup hadn’t considered that “That doesn’t explain why you three were going at it with such... lethal force.” The hunter frowned “That… has likely been going on for longer than the twins have been alive and part of the reason I’m so worried. This is how it’s always been- and don’t think for a second I’m not proud of you for trying, but this is **really** dangerous. They may spare they’re dinner, but…”

He sat down next to the younger boy “You really want to do this?” Hiccup nodded “And what do you hope to accomplish?” then he shrugged “Like I told the Thorston twins I don’t doubt I’ll probably change not a damn thing. But one thing I’d definitely like to try is to find an alternative food source for vampires. It just seems like it would solve so many problems?”

“Sounds long term?” Hiccup sighed dramatically “Oh, this could very well end up becoming my life’s work.” A light punch to his shoulder “Nice try, if this is going to be your life’s work it’ll be till you old and grey.” Hiccup smiled “Or turned and staked.” Noah didn’t take that joke very well. In fact he looked like he was in pain.

“Do you want sushi?” Hiccup in fact did not, but Toothless perked up regardless “How about we go to my place. Sushi delivers and so does the pizza place?” Hic smiled “Real pizza?” “Jesus Christ Hiccy we aren’t _that_ far from the city, of course real pizza!” twenty minutes later they had some proper New York style pizza and some very authentic Japanese sushi ‘“Norimaki” the menu called it?’ “How is there someplace this fancy in upstate New York?” 

“What’s wrong with New York?” Toothless asked chewing on a split shrimp tail “But we’re in the boonies. Like you’d hear banjo’s, but we’re all so very Norse!” after one awkward silence Noah said “I’m Japanese-African-American, but yeah this place is whiter than Wisconsin, yeah.” Hiccup smiled “Wait, seriously? That’s kind of awesome!”

“I remember when I moved here whenever we asked how long anyone else had lived here everybody said “Oh, Leif Erikson dropped us off!” which is weird cause most of the town is Norwegian, I think?” Hiccup sighed “They were probably trying to be funny.” He distinctly remember telling that joke when he was little too.

“So have you ever been to Wisconsin?” Toothless giggled “Nope, most states on the east coast to visit at least and I have some cousins in San Fran so add California to the list.” At some point or another Hiccup had ended up both brushing and braiding his partner’s hair “So… did this have nothing to do with the eyes you and Jack were making at each other? I gotta admit the flirting sounded… kind of sincere?”

“I…” Hiccup flushed “Why did you become a hunter Toothless?” very subtle subject change. Noah was quiet for a long time “Lots of reasons. A boy, youthful enthusiasm, the usual stuff.” A forced blasé over a whole lot of pain ‘Okay unless that boy killed his puppy in front of him…?’

Hiccup was torn between wrapping the box “Toothless’ Mysterious Past” in caution tape or breaking out the lock picks ‘Who am I kidding I can’t pick locks!’ his eyes scanned the room. He froze “You have the Last Unicorn! We have to watch this right now!” and they did. They laughed and cried and sung along to the theme. It was fun.

**Author's Note:**

> We're done! On to specific stuff! So Jack isn't in this, he'll be here soon. Honestly I hope include lots of different fandoms before this is done. It's going to take awhile people.
> 
> It's always bugged me in vampire anything where they kill alot things don't end up like Shiki, I mean really. The part about not trying to be the hero I think ties in pretty well with Hiccup's character even in canon. Little dude just wants to help if he can, but mostly to learn and be with the people he cares about. Often in stories the narative isn't just about what's "right" from the stories perspective it's about saving the people who are "wrong". I think I want to see if I can write a story with as little of that as possible. Unless it stops being fun, then that'll probably change.
> 
> Here's a look at what this Toothless looks like (and a human!Bunny): http://shadowpiratemonkey7.deviantart.com/art/absolutely-no-sense-of-personal-space-443720956
> 
> Go Watch the Last Unicorn! Especially if you never have!


End file.
